A crisis of the 39ish persuasion

How many times have you heard people say, "In my head, I"m much younger?"

My dad used to say this to me all the time. I'd look at him, wrinkly as a Shar Pei and with hair as grey as the old cat that used to hang out on my grandma's farm and I'd think, "Sure." I mean look at you, you must be like, 43 or something!

And now here I sit, at 39, and I'm the one that my kids say, "Wow, Mom are you ever old."

It doesn't help that I'm older than my husband, and you know they take great delight in saying that to anyone who might ask how old I am.

My kids are growing up. I have an 8 year old, a 7 year old, a 4 year old, and an almost 1 year old. My baby days are ending, and the times of my life where I have three boys ripping up my house are just beginning. I haven't colored my hair in what seems like a lifetime, and since having the fourth kid, I'm more top heavy than bottom.

I avoid the camera like the plague, analyze every tiny mark on my face, and wonder if I can survive the aging process.

I'm having a 39ish crisis.

All of this makes me remember what my dad used to tell me about being a kid. He'd say, "You better enjoy it. Being a kid is much better than being an adult."

At the time, full of hormones and boredom, I didn't believe him. I wanted to grow up, wanted to go where I wanted to and come home when I wanted to. I wanted to have my own money and not argue with someone over a winter jacket or a pair of ugly boots. I wanted to be finished with high school forever, and move onto bigger and better things. Brighter things. I had marriage to look forward to, babies, and jobs. The world is wide open when you are a kid. I had dreams.

I still have dreams, but it's amazing how time can change them. I'm married, I've had my babies, and I have spent my life looking for something I was good at, something I could grab onto and be passionate about. I've found the things I've wanted to find and I've lived through some stuff that, looking back, I wished I hadn't. It's part of being a grown up.

And now, I want to be a kid again.

I want to ask my mom for help when the world gets too overwhelming. I want to read a book by a lake and listen to nothing but the flies buzzing over head and the water hitting the shore. I want to be restless, impatient, anticipating of what my life is going to bring. I want to run, wild and free, through Disneyland again and feel like I did when I was 7 and it was the most amazing place on earth. I don't want to deal with cutting the grass, cooking dinner, or taking out the trash. I want to move to a new place, just because the other place isn't doing it for me anymore.

Today, I'm having a crisis of the 39ish persuasion, and today, 39 sucks.