I was painting the trim of the house the other day, and I was in a bad mood. I've been feeling a lot of guilt for things lately, and if there is one thing that will lock me in a corner and make me feel claustrophobic, it's guilt.
I won't go into details about why I feel guilty. It's mostly family obligations, etc., but it did make me think that I'd like to please be able to go about my life without feeling this crappy all the time.
'Letting it go' only works until those who make you feel bad get up in your face and make you feel guilty again. It's frustrating really, and it always seems to lead me to the question, "Is this all there is?" Translation: What is life about anyway?
Because I was standing on a ladder at the time, I decided that life must be just like a ladder. Once I started to think about it, it all made sense.
Good things happen, and you go up a few rungs. Good things like marriage, babies, accomplishments. Exciting things happen, like moving or new jobs. You go up a few rungs again. You feel as though you are on top of the ladder. Unfortunately, as with ladders and life in general, you can either stay at the top or you can move back down a few rungs. I have no problem with the up and down, but what if you were solidly stuck in the middle of that damn ladder? You never really went up, you try to never go down. It's debilitating. Although I believe that personal life circumstances can restrict you somewhat from forging ahead, it shouldn't stop your progress completely if you really want to climb a rung.
You could also see your daily life as a ladder. For example, if you are having a very stressful day and you wake up to rain, gloom, and laundry, the thought of something exciting or adventurous right around the corner is enough to get you through a very long day. I like to travel, so sometimes I feel as though I have to look forward to something like that, no matter how far away it is. It's ok to take four kids on a trip in my head, not so much when I actually have to pack a bag.
My point? Life is pretty boring when you are solidly in the middle of a ladder, when every single day you can expect the same. Also, how do you teach your children to keep trying to get up there if you aren't a good example yourself? I think the biggest difference between the me I was when I was in my 20's and the me I am now? I think I'm too tired or too scared to climb!
But I admire and am happy for everyone who does. Happy rainy Monday Vancouver.